"Who Am I?"

I am a person who can’t shit a 3 page paper about myself out in one day. Do not ask me to do that. I am in college. I don’t know who I am. I know what I want and that I would rather be some place other than Missouri. I don’t like messes and I stress out about things that I put off until the last second.

I do not know who I am. I like food and having time to think about what I might write about; the Mona Lisa wasn't planned and painted in a day. At least I don’t think so.

I do not know where my future is headed. I just want to wake up to a palm tree and the last time I checked, that isn't here.

I love complaining about things that aren't even an issue and things I put upon myself.

I don’t know who I am right now other than I am a student.

Don’t ask me to write about myself because I am biased in my opinion of myself.

It’s like writing a resume. You sprinkle glitter on all of your shit and present it like you just won the Nobel Prize.

I am no gem but you ain't so great either.

I am a Queen, but we are all royalty.

I don’t even think I have 750 words in my vocabulary.

What am I even talking about at this point?

I still have two pages to go.

Time for fluff

and

lots

of

new

lines.

I like to waste time.

I waste time by wasting time.

Time is irrelevant.

I can’t believe I’m actually going to turn this in for my final grade.

I don’t know what else to talk about.

I live at home, that’s who I am. I don’t go out much and then complain about not going out.

I am a published author, that’s something I guess.

I have a big ego but doubt myself constantly.

I’m still avoiding writing a paper about myself.

But.

If you actually look at it, this paper is who I am.

“Write about yourself.”

Okay.

I’ll write about myself by not writing about myself because I wouldn’t write about myself but I guess I’m contradicting myself by writing about myself by not writing about myself.

Because I’m actually writing about myself.

Try to understand my logic because to me, I am making a lot of sense.

I promise.

“Who am I” is a very broad question. I am different to each person I meet. Some people think I am a great person, and others would rather me fall in a hole and never find a way out.

That’s fine.

That sounds like a personal problem.

If I fell into a hole, just drop my laptop down to me, I’ll be fine.

The world is violent and unfair. A hole is safe and fair because I am the only one in it.

“Who am I?”

I don’t know.

You tell me.

Caring For Your Chaney (Who Am I - Draft)

By definition I am a Homo sapien. Raised by my parental units, they gave me a name. Chaney Donellen Shaw. A combination of random characters and pauses that creates a sound that I respond to.

I need rest, nutrients, a warm climate, to be planted in complete sunlight, and I need to be watered daily or else I will not grow. Just kidding.

I’m full grown.

When caring for your Chaney:

Do not make sudden movements and approach slowly with edibles in outstretched hands. She might lick your face. This is normal behavior.

Do not ask your Chaney any questions about the future, this may scare her and she might run off.

Chaneys tend to get overstressed due to the amount of work they put off. Telling her to do her work will only make her more stressed, respond to her with head scratches.

It is okay to allow your Chaney at the dinner table, contrary to belief, she has intermediate skills in table manners.

Chaney needs an average of 24 hours of sleep per day. Chaney will steal your things and is very nosey. She can survive on no sleep but have coffee given to her throughout the day.

Most Chaneys have bad posture, this is normal. She’s just lazy.

When entertaining your Chaney:

She needs full and fast WiFi at all times. When without a laptop, desktop, tablet, or smartphone, she will go hysteric.

She can go without social interaction for days.

“Hanging out” includes

Movies or TV shows

Constant supply of food

Car rides

Adventures

Warm walks

Naps

Being in the same room

If your Chaney gets bored she will either (A) cry or (B) sleep. - See below if one of these happens to your Chaney:

1. Crying is normal in your Chaney. She is prone to cry spells, anxiety, and panic attacks. She recovers quickly, give her time.
2. Sleep is better than crying. This is a good thing.

When disciplining your Chaney:

You don’t.

Characteristics about your average Chaney:

She has an ego about theatre and guard. Let her brag and show off. She knows that she is talented in these fields.

Hobbies include:

Naps

Eating

Watching movies or TV

Scrolling Tumblr

Makeup

Procrastinating

Knitting

Writing

Drawing

She is very opinionated about LGBTQA Rights and Awareness

She is a feminist

Overview of your Chaney:

Everyone has a different opinion about their Chaney. Some love her and some hate her. The only way you will know if Chaney is right for you is to bring her into your life and see how it works out.

Frequently Asked Questions

“I can’t seem to find a Chaney anywhere. Where can I get one?”

There is only one Chaney (Donellen Shaw)  in existence, which is probably for the best. You can find her on campus usually in Engineering or the J-School. She is a member of Marching Mizzou, so you can look for her then as well.

“Does a Chaney make a lot of noise?”

On occasion, but it depends on the situation. When on a topic she is passionate about, she will talk for years. When working with a group or trying to take responsibility, she will talk. When she is alone, she won’t talk. She is not shy, she just has nothing to add to the conversation at times. Hence responding in grumbles.This is normal.

“What does a Chaney eat? Any special requirements?”

She will eat mostly anything. Not very picky.

A note from a Chaney:

Just bring food and Netflix, we will get along just fine.