Friday, December 12, 2014

"Who Am I?"

I am a person who can’t shit a 3 page paper about myself out in one day. Do not ask me to do that. I am in college. I don’t know who I am. I know what I want and that I would rather be some place other than Missouri. I don’t like messes and I stress out about things that I put off until the last second.
I do not know who I am. I like food and having time to think about what I might write about; the Mona Lisa wasn't planned and painted in a day. At least I don’t think so.
I do not know where my future is headed. I just want to wake up to a palm tree and the last time I checked, that isn't here.
I love complaining about things that aren't even an issue and things I put upon myself.
I don’t know who I am right now other than I am a student.
Don’t ask me to write about myself because I am biased in my opinion of myself.
It’s like writing a resume. You sprinkle glitter on all of your shit and present it like you just won the Nobel Prize.
I am no gem but you ain't so great either.
I am a Queen, but we are all royalty.
I don’t even think I have 750 words in my vocabulary.
What am I even talking about at this point?
I still have two pages to go.
Time for fluff
and
lots
of
new
lines.
I like to waste time.
I waste time by wasting time.
Time is irrelevant.
I can’t believe I’m actually going to turn this in for my final grade.
I don’t know what else to talk about.
I live at home, that’s who I am. I don’t go out much and then complain about not going out.
I am a published author, that’s something I guess.
I have a big ego but doubt myself constantly.
I’m still avoiding writing a paper about myself.


But.


If you actually look at it, this paper is who I am.
“Write about yourself.”
Okay.
I’ll write about myself by not writing about myself because I wouldn’t write about myself but I guess I’m contradicting myself by writing about myself by not writing about myself.
Because I’m actually writing about myself.
Try to understand my logic because to me, I am making a lot of sense.
I promise.


“Who am I” is a very broad question. I am different to each person I meet. Some people think I am a great person, and others would rather me fall in a hole and never find a way out.
That’s fine.
That sounds like a personal problem.
If I fell into a hole, just drop my laptop down to me, I’ll be fine.
The world is violent and unfair. A hole is safe and fair because I am the only one in it.


“Who am I?”


I don’t know.


You tell me.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Caring For Your Chaney (Who Am I - Draft)


By definition I am a Homo sapien. Raised by my parental units, they gave me a name. Chaney Donellen Shaw. A combination of random characters and pauses that creates a sound that I respond to.
I need rest, nutrients, a warm climate, to be planted in complete sunlight, and I need to be watered daily or else I will not grow. Just kidding.
I’m full grown.


When caring for your Chaney:
Do not make sudden movements and approach slowly with edibles in outstretched hands. She might lick your face. This is normal behavior.
Do not ask your Chaney any questions about the future, this may scare her and she might run off.
Chaneys tend to get overstressed due to the amount of work they put off. Telling her to do her work will only make her more stressed, respond to her with head scratches.
It is okay to allow your Chaney at the dinner table, contrary to belief, she has intermediate skills in table manners.
Chaney needs an average of 24 hours of sleep per day. Chaney will steal your things and is very nosey. She can survive on no sleep but have coffee given to her throughout the day.
Most Chaneys have bad posture, this is normal. She’s just lazy.


When entertaining your Chaney:
She needs full and fast WiFi at all times. When without a laptop, desktop, tablet, or smartphone, she will go hysteric.
She can go without social interaction for days.
“Hanging out” includes
Movies or TV shows
Constant supply of food
Car rides
Adventures
Warm walks
Naps
Being in the same room
If your Chaney gets bored she will either (A) cry or (B) sleep. - See below if one of these happens to your Chaney:
  1. Crying is normal in your Chaney. She is prone to cry spells, anxiety, and panic attacks. She recovers quickly, give her time.
  2. Sleep is better than crying. This is a good thing.


When disciplining your Chaney:
You don’t.


Characteristics about your average Chaney:
She has an ego about theatre and guard. Let her brag and show off. She knows that she is talented in these fields.

Hobbies include:
Naps
Eating
Watching movies or TV
Scrolling Tumblr
Makeup
Procrastinating
Knitting
Writing
Drawing
She is very opinionated about LGBTQA Rights and Awareness
She is a feminist
Overview of your Chaney:
Everyone has a different opinion about their Chaney. Some love her and some hate her. The only way you will know if Chaney is right for you is to bring her into your life and see how it works out.


Frequently Asked Questions


“I can’t seem to find a Chaney anywhere. Where can I get one?”
There is only one Chaney (Donellen Shaw)  in existence, which is probably for the best. You can find her on campus usually in Engineering or the J-School. She is a member of Marching Mizzou, so you can look for her then as well.


“Does a Chaney make a lot of noise?”
On occasion, but it depends on the situation. When on a topic she is passionate about, she will talk for years. When working with a group or trying to take responsibility, she will talk. When she is alone, she won’t talk. She is not shy, she just has nothing to add to the conversation at times. Hence responding in grumbles.This is normal.


“What does a Chaney eat? Any special requirements?”
She will eat mostly anything. Not very picky.


A note from a Chaney:


Just bring food and Netflix, we will get along just fine.


Saturday, November 22, 2014

Rotten Illusions: The Symbolism of Poison

Hamlet Interpretation.

“Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.” How it all began, the poisoning of King Hamlet. Now, obviously many other things are rotten in Denmark, but it is how they are all connected that holds true meaning. King Hamlet, the King of Denmark, was murdered by his power-lusting brother, Claudius. He was poisoned while asleep in the orchard during the afternoon, through the ear. It had spread throughout his body, in his veins churning the what was light blood into curdles. This starts it all, the insanity of Hamlet, the fall of the kingdom, and the rottenness that then becomes Denmark.  
“Haste me to know ’t, that I, with wings as swift as meditation or the thoughts of love, may sweep to my revenge.” (Hamlet to The Ghost, Act I, Scene V.) Hamlet thought highly of his father, and when he heard of his passing, obviously, he was mournful. Unlike his mother. King Hamlet shows up as a ghost throughout the play which gives an overall eerie vibe. Now, this ghost is seen by multiple people in the play, if it were only Hamlet who sees the ghost, we would think him more insane than he already seems to be. But since Marcellus, Horatio, and Bernardo all witness the ghost, Hamlet’s insanity can be considered sane. Yet Gertrude (Hamlet’s Mother and ex-wife of King Hamlet) and others cannot see him, perhaps King Hamlet’s ghost can only be seen by those who stayed loyal to him.
As the play progresses, Hamlet allows the idea of avenging his father's murder eat him alive. The tragic flaw in his character is his inability to act; he can’t follow thru with his want to commit suicide and refuses to kill Claudius while he prays, stating that “Now might I do it pat. Now he is a-praying. And now I’ll do ’t. And so he goes to heaven. And so am I revenged.—That would be scanned. A villain kills my father, and, for that, I, his sole son, do this same villain send to heaven.” (Hamlet, Act III, Scene III.) His “want” to kill his uncle (Claudius) leads him to kill Polonius when confronting his mother about her sinful and rotten love with Claudius. “A bloody deed? Almost as bad, good mother, as kill a king and marry with his brother.” (Hamlet to Gertrude, Act III, Scene IV.) Hamlet’s “madness” manifests from the people around him, that is if his madness is true. Hamlet could easily be faking insanity, and it was just all part of a clever plan. “"I essentially am not in madness, but mad in craft." (Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV.)
King Hamlet’s death is easily a metaphor for the fall of the kingdom and corruption of the royal family. Claudius murdering his own brother is what “is rotten in the state of Denmark,” disloyalty in the kingdom. Shakespeare must have chosen poison and the murder weapon for a reason. The poison spreads throughout his body in his blood just like how the corruption of Denmark spreads in the “blood” of the state. How it clots his blood and starts from his ear to his feet, from top to bottom. How the poison starts within him, then killing him. From the inside out. The decay of the kingdom starts within itself, those in power being the roots of it all.
The symbolism of things being rotten, decaying, and corrupt are common within the first act because the key point of it started with royalty. Royalty being the overall state of Denmark, there is something rotten and brings everything down to ruins.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

"Something is rotten in the state of Denmark."

Quote Analysis - Hamlet - William Shakespeare


One of the most recognizable quotes from Hamlet, aside from the “To be or not to be” soliloquy, is when Marcellus tells Horatio “something is rotten in the state Denmark.” Now, contrary to belief, this quote is actually said by Marcellus, not Hamlet himself. This quote is often misquoted as “something rotten [is] in Denmark” which, I feel, takes away from a portion its true meaning.
The significance of it being a rather small character, like Marcellus, who declares that somethings is in fact rotten in Denmark really brings out the true tale of it. If it were Hamlet who would have said it, it wouldn't come off as strong because he is seen as mad to those around him, so it would have easily been brushed off. Marcellus is the first on to see the ghost of Hamlet's father (along with Bernardo, but he isn’t important right now.) Marcellus (and Bernardo) call for Horatio to witness this ghost. It is Horatio and Marcellus who are with Hamlet when he first sees the ghost. Small characters are placed for a reason and sometimes they can give everything a little bit more meaning.
Some often misquote this line as being “something rotten [is] in Denmark” and honestly it pisses me off. I feel that the placement of the “is” and the adding of the “state” conveys a different meaning to the quote. When it is said as “something rotten [is] in Denmark”, I feel as if it is not new news. That this “rottenness” has been happening for awhile and it’s more of a statement of fact and a shrug off the shoulders. When the quote is said as “something is rotten in the state of Denmark”, it sends a more true meaning. That something is indeed rotten, and it is for sure in exactly only Denmark. It makes the quote feel far more sharp and pinpointed to the fact that Denmark is rotting from the inside out and it is only going to get worse.
Now there is not “exact” meaning to this quote, it can be interpreted in many different ways. Obviously many things are “rotten” within the kingdom because (spoiler alert) everyone dies, but it is how all the rotten things are connected that is important. The marriage between Gertrude (Hamlet’s mother) and Claudius (his uncle.) This relationship is almost incestuous and, to make matters worse, happened only two months after the death of King Hamlet (Hamlet’s father.) The fact that Gertrude is not in mourning sends Hamlet into suspect of foul play. This line was said after Hamlet had left to follow the ghost of his father. Marcellus and Horatio, who feel that Hamlet should not be left alone with the ghost follow him even though Hamlet told them not to, they follow because “something is rotten in the state of Denmark.” This, I feel, is foreshadowing to the death of basically everyone because it all starts with Hamlet learning about the foul play in his fathers death that leads him to seek revenge. How King Hamlet is killed can be used as a metaphor for how these bad omens spreads throughout Denmark: the poison entered his ear and spread throughout his body, then killing him. The ghost of King Hamlet leads to the revenge and death of many of the characters within the play because of its domino effect but eventually circles back around and leads to the total decay of Hamlet himself and his uncle.

The symbolism of things being rotten, decaying, and corrupt are common within the first act because the key point of it started with royalty. Royalty being the overall state of Denmark, there is something rotten and brings everything down to ruins.

Friday, October 17, 2014

How to Measure Time. (TCWTB Revision/Draft #2)


When you spend most of your life in one area, you spend most of your life with the same people. Common knowledge. And growing up around them, going to the same elementary school, middle school, Jr. high, and high school, you kind of forget that at some point distance will come between even the closest of friends.  
College, as far away as it seems, when it hits you, it hits you hard.
“Where did the time go?”
“We lived it.”


“I’m an adult now, I don’t want to have to make my own appointments!” Briana was pacing around her room, her hands in her hair.
“Finish packing, you leave in less than an hour.” My eyes shift to the only thing in her room: a Missouri State poster hanging upon on her naked walls. All her clothes were piles into a corner on top of her unzipped suitcase.
“What are you? My mom?”

The pile of clothes finally made it out to her actual moms car, we stood on the driveway until the last millisecond. It didn’t hit me, that I won’t be seeing her tomorrow, she won’t be just a short walk away anymore. It just felt like any other day. And that sent fear through my veins.
We hugged and said our goodbyes. I blinked and she was gone. All that was left was the smog from the car exhaust slowly bending into the air.
I walked back home.


A week had passed, it was Monday. Briana and I had set up an agreement that every Monday at 10pm we would call each other to keep tabs. The first few Mondays after she left, the phone calls were always on point. But as the semester rolled on…
“Sorry, babe. I have a huge math packet due tomorrow.” Her voice was somber.
“No you’re fine, I have an eight-hundred word history paper due next week that I should probably start. Text me later.”
She didn’t text me until next Monday saying she couldn’t talk because she had choir.


She had become closer to someone that went to high school with us that also goes to MSU. And this is when it finally hit me. That what used to be a 3 minute walk is now a 3 hour drive. What used to be 10 years of always being right there, it isn’t like that. College is the time we all tend to ignore.


We don’t call every Monday anymore. And I deleted my alarm.
I call her out of occasion, emergencies or just out of the blue if life becomes too much again. She always answers to say she can talk or if she can’t. That’s fine though. We are both busy people.


But this doesn’t mean we are not friends. What we have is something that just doesn’t “fade away” our friendship will not “grow apart.” You can’t replace 10 years of your life, 10 years being in your prime state, a young age. Your most vulnerable stage, we all need one person to have our backs.
Time is a moment. Time is a word, a phrase, a touch, a feeling. Time is doing nothing. Time is doing it all.

When you can not see someone for weeks, months, or even years, and nothing changes, and its like you were never separated, that is true friendship. And time can’t take that away.

Monday, October 6, 2014

The Colors Were Too Bright (Draft)

August 14th, 2014. My phone flashes. New message from BrianaBoo: "I'm awake. Use the garage code to get in."
Without hesitation, I left my house. She lives down the block, around the corner and down the street from my house. 5 minute walk tops. The sidewalk was cold but the sun was hot. No clouds. Blue skies were smiling at me. I smiled back even though there was nothing to smile about. Actually, that's a lie. There were tons of things to smile about. Like the hibiscus flower I saw on my way over.

It was fully bloomed, and not rotting at all. I snapped a photo because whether or not we like it, over time beauty dies and things fade. And a photo is forever. Unless your memory card fails but that's another story. 
She has always just been a short walk away and honestly, it sends fear through my veins just thinking about knocking on that door and her not being there. I climbed the stairs to her room.  I walk in and find sprawled out in her pile of questionably clean clothes on her laptop. 
But I wasn't surprised. She was in her natural habitat. 
"I see you've made progress. That sock that was over there is now here." I glanced at the sock that had the potential to be white at some point earlier in it's lifespan. 
"Shut up. Wanna help out?" Pause. "That's a dumb question." 
"Teachers who say there is no such thing as a dumb question obviously have more patience than most." 

She finally decided to look up from her laptop. "Chaney. This vine. I can't. Come here, you'll die."
After years of knowing each other you would think we would have better things planned for this day. But like every other day, we do nothing together. This is how we bond. And it's great.

"What kind of pizza do you want?"  She looked down at her screen.
"I dunno. What do you you want?"
"Good Lord. Just think of something."
"Well since my brother is in town, my family wants to go out for lunch, but I can eat some pizza. Maybe cheese, what we always get since you're picky." I added a smile so I didn't seem like a bitch, but at this point in our friendship, it didn't really matter. Nothing could tear us apart (knock on wood.)
"Alright, I'll call mommy and see if she can pick something up. Ya bum." She dug under a pile of her laundry in search of her phone. Upon finding it, she called her mom.
"Freakin' sweet." I loaded Tumblr up on my phone and continuously scrolled down while she played her music, slacking off on all possible responsibilities the she had.  
"I think mom is home." By this time she had made a lap around her room picking things off the floor and putting them in her bags. Not bothering to fold anything. 
"Alright, I'll eat a slice but then I have to go. Mom is picking me up to go to lunch." 
"She better bring you back over later."  The way she said it was like how a child tells their mom they want to pet the puppy one last time before they go.

One new message. From Mum: "Here. I want to see Briana."
We walked outside and mom gave her a hug before we left for lunch.

One new message. From BrianaBoo: "Left to fix car, will text you when I get home."
One new message. From BrianaBoo: "Car continue to overheat. Won't be able to take it with me. :( RIP Harvey Dent."

One new message. From BrianaBoo: "Home. Come over when you get done eating. <3"

"Done eating. On my way over now." Message sent.
One New Message. "Just come in through front door."

"Hi Chaney!" Briana's mom was in the living room watching Dance Moms. "You excited to start the rest of your life?" She was overly excited about this whole escapade. 
"I mean, I guess I'm pumped." 
"Mom, stop asking weird things."
We all sat on the couch and watched dance moms. And when it came time to leave the air felt thicker but I didn't let it phase me. 
I walked back the way I came. This time the sun was setting and the blue skies were no longer smiling. I didn't want them too. 
When I got home, it was like gravity was only focused on pulling me as far down as it could possibly manage. Without killing me of course. 

August 15th, 2014. One new message. From BrianaBoo: "Miss you already."
"Miss you too." Message sent.